Who Is Lt. Frank FFIREHS?


“Who Are You Supposed to Be?”

RENO 90210?


On Comedy Central’s The Jeselnik Offensive Thomas Lennon said of the Vegas 90210 character on Hollywood Boulevard: “He’s a big, thick dude with a big round behind.  He looks really good.  He’s a lot bigger than me.”
Audiences perceive him as “Lt. Dangle of Reno 911!” or “that dude in Super Troopers” or “Sexy Sheriff”.  Or many other characters.  MANY MANY MANY others.  Not just characters from TV and film (some real, some … not so much).  Also bands, cartoons and … a meteorologist.  No, really.  Lt. Frank is like lyrics for U2 fans.  Or bowls of cereal for superfans of the Virgin Mary.  People see in him what they want to see in him.  As if Lt. Frank was a grand galactic sociology experiment gone wild.  Facetiming Dr. Freud.  It’s like he’s more than just a different kind of law enforcement cheetah.  Like part of something bigger, man!  And stuff!
Here’s the complete laundry list, broken down into 25+ tasty categories, containing 200+ Vegas 90210 identities.  And counting…
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VEGAS 90210
Ef Fir Eesh (how Lt “Frank” FFIREHS pronounces “FFIREHS”)
Crocodile Dundee
Hot Fuzz
Reno 911!: Miami (no one ever says the “Miami” part)
Scary Movie
Wedding Crashers
MOVIES (not quite)
Brokeback Lake
Inspector Dangler
Reno Bravo
Super Cops
Indiana Jones
Borat’s brother
Incredible Hulk, The
Law & Order
Parks and Recreation
TV SHOWS (not quite)
Barbie 911
Cop 911
Fresno 911
“He’s from that show! On the Comedy Central”
Las Vegas 911
Reno 411
Reno 901
Reno 90210
Reno 911 (not the same as Reno 911! – trust us on this one)
Reno 912
Reno fucking 911
Reno nine eleven
“Reno 9 oh – uh 9 one …”
Vegas Cops
Barney Fife (Andy Griffith Show)
Boss Hogg – “You look like Boss Hogg (long pause) on the Dukes of Hazzard”
Fire Marshall Bill (In Living Color)
Howdy Doody
Lt. Jim Dangle (Reno 911!)
Roscoe (The Dukes of Hazzard)
CHARACTERS ON TV (not quite)
Detective Dangle
Lt. Dango
Lt. Dinger
Lt. Durango
Mr. Reno
Sgt. Dangle
Sgt. Dinkle
Village People
BUSKERS (not Vegas 90210 related)
Captain Underpants
Nick Swardson
“The 80s”
POLICE, THE (not the band)
Texas Ranger
“Just for Men”
Macho Man
“Young man …”
Marriage Is Murder?
Thunder from Down Under
Sgt. Slaughter
Camel Toe
Dancing Sheriff
Gay Cop, The
Good Cop, Bad Cop
Park Ranger
Raver Cop
Sexy Legs
Sexy Sheriff
Steely-Eyed Sheriff
Winter Policia
Your Mom
“Yes we can!”
Lord Vegas
“And then we got this guy…”
“Be something I know”
“Can’t wait for the 2nd one!”
“Definitely a Libra”
“Fucking clown. Ass clown.”
“He’s from that show!”
“He’s a fucking pig!”
“He’s gay, bro”
“He’s like EDC, but couldn’t get in”
“Hey meow”
“Hey you. You’re gay.”
“His PTSD is gonna kick in.  No, that’s the gay, man.”
“I like Cartman’s ass”
“I know, I seen him!” (annoyed)
“I thought that dude was dead”
“I’d hit that”
“I’m blinded”
“It’s gotta be tough, man”
“It’s legal in every state now”
“Looks like the guy”
“Man, you’re way too serious, bro”
“New boot joshing”
“Nice boots ya faggot”
“Nice shorts bro”
“Nobody cares, nobody even cares man”
“Oh, he’s from that show”
“Ron Burgundy! You stay classy, America”
“Take them damn boots off”
“That isn’t real”
“That’s Dagget.  Hey, Dagget!”
“That’s like the worst one yet”
“That’s Reno 911, not a very good one”
“That was scary”
“There’s your boyfriend”
“What you need first is a fucking god”
“You don’t like titties, you like penis”
“You don’t see that everyday”
“You have good teeth”
“You make the police look good”
“You’re in the wrong city”
“You’ve got a tiny croc in your crotch”
“9031.” (To her male friend:) “I’m gonna buy you some of those shorts. So we can role play.”
“Any tips yet? Didn’t think so”
“Are you a cross dresser? I’m from Minnesota.”
“Are you a real Sheriff or a fake Sheriff?”
“Are you a real cop?”
“Are you a wrestler?”
“Are you from that one movie?”
“Are you real?”
“Are you the Flaming Cowboy?”
“Aren’t you cold?”
“Dango?  Vegas 911?”
“EDC shuttle?”
“The Flamingo is blocked,  where can I park?”
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be on Reno 911?!?!”
“Is that a boy?”
“Is that Macho Man?”
“Need a tail pipe?
“What are you promoting?”
“What is he, like a rainbow cider?”
“What is he supposed to be?”
“What is that?”
“What the eff you see kay?!”
“What’s happening right here?”
“When is the next Bellagio water & light show?”
“Where are you dancing?”
“Where can I catch a cab?”
“Where can I score some weed?”
“Where do I catch the shuttle bus to the Hollywood Bowl?”
“Where is it?!”
“Where is the largest gentleman’s club?”
“Where is the rave store?”
“Where the fuck is he going?”
“Where’s the food court?”
“Where’s your skates?”
“Who are you supposed to be?”
“Who wants a mustache ride?”
“Who wears short shorts?
“You lose a bet?”
Boy Scout
Underwear Cowboy
Naked Ass
Non-naked Cowboy
Ranger Junk
Roy Rogers
Captain Dan
“Nice ass!”
“I hope you boys like Mexico!”
“Where’s Brenda?”
“Hey it’s Outback Jack”
“Holy Hannah”
Sheriff Cowboy
Mr Gay Guy
“Ya’ll hiring?”
“Ferris? That’s awesome!”
“Whyyyyyyyy Em See AAAAA …”
“That show’s been canceled since …”

Hey girl
Officer fuck I don’t even know from Reno 911
White Trash
Hey cop uh Beverly Hills uh 911 Reno
Where can I buy saddle?
Oh, police officer
Um you’re outfit doesn’t match dude
Can I hire you for my bachelorette party?
You’re a nut
It’s very Bob Fossey
You a Michigan fan?
Hangover guys
Sheriff, do you know where I can find a good weed shop?
That’s different
Hey YMCA your ass is mine today, how do I get to the Jack in the Box, you old fast?
What caliber is your banana?
What do YOU do? Walk around the street looking like an idiot?! I have film credits!
Fashion Police
Are you a girl?
I love America! You’re a beautiful man!
Want to touch my brown sack?
Cop from Where
Bringing back the 80s
Are you Reno 101?
The cop thing
You are police?
Random. Random.
Hey, that’s not the real guy!
Nobody’s paying attention to you. I’m just being realistic.
I don’t know who you are
He’s supposed to be Doofy
I like your little leg things
That’s just plain floxy
Trailer Park Boys
Where is the star for Justin Bieber?
What you supposed ta be?
Look at this police
Dong hammer
He’s one of those people
Are you Br
He reminds me of the gym teacher in Grown Ups 2
Porn stache
You are not real police?
It’s okay if I get the TV, no?
Starsky and Hutch
You Dewey? That’s Dewey!
That’s spot on
Are you trying to make a statement or are you being kinda weird and sarcastic?
una mota (tiny speck of dust)
Officer Dangles
What show is that again?
la policia
What is your job?
Call me
Burt Lancaster
What are from again?
California Highway Patrol, see?
Your the sheriff from what?
You should be at Venice Beach, not on Hollywood Blvd (says guy in “DALLAS” hat)
Shouldn’t you be at the oyster bar?
California Highway Patrol
Copernicus called, you’re not the center of the universe
Hated it
Reno what’s that?
What the fuck is this?
Rio 911
Good cop or bad cop?
FBI. Take it in the ass.
Are you from Kickass? No, Jack ass?
Take it off!
You look like a tranny queen
I go pee pee in the potty
What music group are you from?
What movie you play off of?
Officer Nasty
Hey gay guy!
Ha ha welcome to Hollywood
You should be an actor
How much do you make?
Are you CHiPs?
That’s not real
Ghostbusters? No, Sheriff
Boy, you need some pants
Are you a combination of all the Village People?
He’s a stripper!
He looks like a girl! (grade school girl)
That’d be a lot funnier if this was Vegas
I think that’s the guy from the show
Thank you, you just made my day
Nice digs
A little creepy
(unintelligible squeaks) half Chewbacca half Skywalker
You’re the funniest dude on the Boulevard
Are you Renos?
That crazy guy from the movies
You’re the shit
Saturday Night Live?
What is he doing?
Reno, Reno nine O whatever?
I can totally tell your beard is fake
Happy Pride Day!
Please leave (teen girl)
I do love those things, they are so pretty
He’s a guy
This is what I imagine God looks like
What movie you from? Mall Cop, right?
You’re the gayest Fonzi I’ve ever seen
What movie?
Deputy Dean
Can I just say how much I love your shoes?
Take Viagra! (from 11 year old boy)
Reno 99
I don’t advertise for anybody. You’re Doofy.
Good Looking Sheriff Lady
You’re scary
The Police? The group?
Officer Dangler
Next time I’m coming with my buddies and I’m doing rails on Charlie Sheen’s star (dude says while holding hand of a toddler)
Tom Lennon?
Look at that hippie guy!
What, do you sleep in that outfit?
Muy joven
Are you a FedEx worker?
That show on Comedy Central, Vegas Sheriff
You allude sex
What movie you off of, Me, Myself & Irene?
Reno Nine Oh
I like your cell phone (points 2 Barbie walkie)
Reno, NYPD
Are there any homeless people around here?
Are you the real Guy? From the movie?
State Troopers
Is he looking at my ass right now?
That a ball toe
Where’s the RuPaul Pop-up Store?
A most unusual looking Sheriff
Officer Barbie
This is the new uniform for the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department
Something Vegas
I like the Naked Cowboy in New York better
Holy Bellbottoms
Is that show Reno PD?
AK –  you have?
Dirk Diggler
Right out of the Jungle Book
Vegas Cock (from 9 yr old girl)
The Neon Police
Hey Boy Scout, is that your gun?
Damn, I want that Sheriff!
Very authentic
Are you the real guy? Lightening?
Officer Faggot
The fruit
The weird police
911 or whatever
Are you Drunk Sheriff?
You’re good, but not that good
You kinda remind me of my principal
Are you supposed to be a hippie?
“Don’t touch me”
You remind me of Reno 911
You’re not fooling anyone
Are we doing Mad Max style over here?
“Mommy, what’s he selling?”
Dapper Dawn Doll
“You aren’t MY sheriff!”
Only in LA
The Hippie Sheriff
Oh Christ
Police Academy
Goose from Top Gun
Nah, that’s why I quit Boy Scouts
“That’s not even close to Reno 911!”
Tom Selleck
George Michael
Freddie Mercury
Brando 911
Rainbow Warrior
He look like he got a yeast infection
Edward Scissorshands Sweetheart?) when I was with Wolverine)
Your parents should have used condoms
Half Top Gun
Rescue 911
Joaquin Phoenix
“Does anybody know who you are out here? ”
“I like your life force”
The dude from that patrol show
Officer Fabulous
Where’s the Pete Rose Sports Bar?
Lt Darin
Detective James Dangle
Saturday Night Live
“Stop spreading the HIV!  No more AIDS! ”
Bob Saget
Lt. Daniels
“That’s a pretty good gay thing”
Dukes of Hazzard
Taste the rainbow
Super troopers 2 is coming out soon…
Mark Twain
Omigod that’s disgusting
He’s the cop from that um um um what’s the name of that show?
“You’ll never see that in L. A. ”
Are you a real fa**ot?
Captain Dangle
Why not go on your walkabout?
Nice dress
Reno nine one huh?!
Super Sheriff
Are you the real actor?
First cop I’ve seen.  Just saying.
“Why is he doing that?”
“Where’s your parrot? ”
“A little bit of vitamin E? ”
The Full Mounty
That’s random
Safari Guy
Lt. Daniels
What movie is that from?
It would be better if you were Doofy
Totally hetero
Pantalones !
“You’re matching”
“Do anything for a dollar, eh?”
New boot goofing!  I don’t think he got it
Are you that dude from New York?
Deputy Rainbow
“I got better moves than that”
Officer Doofy
“Not my type”
You need a vacuum cleaner?
Mommy, who is that guy?
Fashion Police?
Dogg the Bounty Hunter
Don’t quit your day job
I took a picture 2 years ago with the other people who do what you do
Magic Johnson shorts
“He’d probably do whatever you want for twenty bucks”
Orange is the new black
Bojangles get your ass in the house
(shrugs) makes sense
I don’t know who he is
you need to go to Reno
Hey player
I don’t like police officers,  go away
You win
Reno 9 wa a ha ha
Do you have water?
Nine oh
High five!
“Definitely a Libra”
“I know, I seen him!” (Annoyed)
“Dango?  Vegas 911?”
Captain Dan
What are you promoting?
Nine oh
“Young man …”
“Take them damn boots off”
Sgt Dinkle
“It’s legal in every state now”
You’re in the wrong city
Need a tail pipe?
Who are you supposed to be?
Marriage Is Murder?
Fucking clown. Ass clown.
Lord Vegas
“You look like Boss Hogg (long pause) on the Dukes of Hazzard”
“Where’s your skates?”
“Are you the Flaming Cowboy”
“What is he supposed to be?”
“Who wants a mustache ride?”
“You make the police look good”
“His PTSD is gonna kick in.  No, that’s the gay, man.”
“You don’t see that everyday”
“He’s like EDC, but couldn’t get in”
9031(to her male friend) “I’m gonna buy you some of those shorts.  So we can role play.”
Raver Cop
“He’s gay, bro”
“He’s a fucking pig”
“Can’t wait for the 2nd one!” (Super Troopers?)
“Are you a real cop?”
“He’s from that show! On the Comedy Central”
“Nice ass!”
“Are you from that one movie?”
“Where is the largest gentleman’s club?
“I hope you boys like Mexico!”
“That’s Dagget.  Hey, Dagget!”
“Hey you. You’re gay.”
“The 80s”
“Where’s Brenda?”
“Just for Men”
“Hey it’s Outback Jack”
“Yes we can!”
“Holy Hannah”
“Are you a wrestler?”
“Looks like the guy”
“Any tips yet? Didn’t think so”
Sheriff Cowboy
Law & Order
Mr Gay Guy
“Ya’ll hiring?”
“Ferris? That’s awesome!”
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be on Reno 911?!?!”
“Oh, he’s from that show”
“Man, you’re way too serious, bro”
Las Vegas 911
“You don’t like titties, you like penis”
“Where are you dancing?”
“Reno 9 oh – uh 9 one …”
“There’s your boyfriend”
“What is he, like a rainbow cider?
“Is that Macho Man?”
“Where the fuck is he going?”
Fire Marshall Bill
“I’d hit that”
“What is that?”
“Whyyyyyyyy Em See AAAAA …”
“That show’s been canceled since …”
“Are you a real Sheriff or a fake Sheriff?”
Lt. Durango


Who Are You Supposed to Be?!

the book

© 2016 Mark Roman, Vegas90210.com, TheMarkRoman.com

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